Chaos Theory

“A Shite Tip nae a Tight Ship” as a Glaswegian friend of mine exclaimed. I can’t even swing a cat in my shed, it’s ridiculous.Junk includes:

1) Mosquito net made from deep fat fryer anti-splatter mesh gaffer tapped to branch. Vain attempt to de-larvae new pond of 1 trillion mosquitos before they become vampires and decimate the neighborhood.

2) Superlight pressed aluminium ramp, trouble is it could be doing with an extra foot longer, making bike loading a lot easier. Now have heavy extendable Multispaz wheelchair ramp (to the left) which is the biz.

3) Dual-sport broom and Swingerball – ‘get fit and tidy up’. That’ll be the day.

4) Dual-sport knobblies for my CCM – ‘interchange between street and off-road wheels in minutes’. That’ll be the day, I’ve had these for 3 years and they still haven’t made it on the bike.

5) battery charger for frying already dead batteries.

6) Kids merry-go-round MV Augusta inc 6 megaphone exhaust. Only missing the screen. Originally planned a trad red/silver paint job, but now thinking Wrench Monkees stylee.

7) DIY work table made from odds’n'sods.

8) ‘Dr on call’ style tool box. This has all my electrical diagnostic stuff in.

9) Street-find shelf with draws. Crap and water sodden before I got to it. Why did I bother?

10) ‘on the road’ tool bag for essential get-you-home fettling/breakdowns. Its been to Spain and back strapped to my brothers C15 BSA. Very sentimental. Just learnt from Drogo that its actually originally a ‘Lord of the Manor’ shotgun cartridge bag.

11) Harro Elefantenboy tank bag. This thing is amazing. Opens up in 3 tiers with a map window in the top. Perfect as a wardrobe bungeed on to my Guzzi. It’s been everywhere.

12) Crap mini chest of draws. Now so trapezoid the draws don’t open without a fight.

13) Davos toboggan. The Best. With a smeer of seal pup fat on the rails, so much faster than the modern plastic ones.

14) What more wheels?! 17″ that came on the CCM when I bought it. Tomahawk re-mould tyres, cheap as chips, very sticky.

15) “Don’t make ‘em like they used to” assorted spades and hoes. £4 a pop from local house-clearance junk shop. All my new ones are bent or broken.

16) Broken in 1/2 Moulton bicycle frame. It’s already donated some bits to modify my new one.

17) Assorted 3/4 empty tins of paint.

18) (sigh….) repro ‘Made in China’ Raleigh Chopper seat bought on eBAy alongside shagged real one. Embarked on restoration of all-original bike, only to find buying new parts on eBAy would be cheaper than re-chroming etc the original, but then realized you end up with a bottle-top quality pastiche.

19) Trusty 4b’2 shelf brought over from my Amsterdam photo studio. Daft if you consider the bulk and hassle, but not if you consider there is no better. Ikea is the pits.

20) Euro Trash Co-Burn CCM one day this will be a tidy looker. Promise.

21) Maneki Neko lucky cat bought in Nieuwmarkt, it rakes in ca$h. Yeah right.

22) Gemeente Amsterdam galvanized rubbish bin. Simple pleasure every time I kick the lid up.

23) Tinfoil robot made for kids birthday. They were terrified.

24) Classic pegboard. Various instruments of torture should Jamie decide he wants a hair cut round mine.

25) Cornerstone of my project sleeper chop. Always thought it was a German Simson Schwalbe but just had a Google to check, and it’s not.


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